He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. Really? The Bartender reply's "$5". Maybe he should commit suicide too A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second? ""I wasn't," he replied. I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long? Returning visitor? Additionally, some . His wife was standing nearby watching him. The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?! One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. 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A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be. Your account is not active. Hey Pandas, What Was Your Popular Moment? ", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Its $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.. You can read more about it and change your preferences, A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. As they say, laughter is the best medicine. A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. "Wipe it off and say you're sorry." Max_W_ 3. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. says the wife. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! Now I know I can handle the bad news. So, the wife and I were in town shopping And as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. asks the doctor? Sure enough, there was a panda. Well, a variety of dizzyingly charming topics, for starters! He picks it up and starts crying, thinking hes a horrible person. I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. My thermometer just broke.". The officer looked in the back of the mans truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?. Linas is a SEO List Curator at Bored Panda with a bachelor's degree in Communication & Digital Marketing. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard. In my neighborhood, there was a couple who had given their twin sons very weird names. We respect your privacy. Ooops! After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. Its the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. ", A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. 1. Direct to the point and ready to hit the road. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. ", A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.His wife asks, "Do you know her? One was named Trouble, while the other boy's name was Mind Your Own Business. My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You bet your fur! As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. What did one butt cheek say to the other? My cousin replied, "Absolutely not! A modest number of hands were raised. 1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !" Before leaving they told my friend that they had enjoyed painting his car, but it is not really a Porsche. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. He was whispering in my ear. by Stephen on March 21, 2013. Unfortunately, this is too true . it is also sad and wrong. "A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" A man is driving down a highway, and he hits and kills a rabbit. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "dont stop". The doctor saw him and asked him what the matter was. The farmer is impressed. If the answer is positive, scroll down below to check them all out! Wondering what is was for, he joined it. The man, astounded, turns to the other person and asks, What was in that bottle? The other person replies, Its hare spray.. More jokes about: dirty A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. Theyre immediately taken back to a room. St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now? Making love is like a burrito, don't unwrap or that baby's in your lap. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! Usually when people tell dirty jokes they aren't funny - or at least I don't find them to be. Before, he did a quick internship at AMII and worked as a Wolt courier (in other words, before Bored Panda, he never had a real job). What Happened to Danielle and Nick from Love is Blind? They spray the rabbit with the bottle, and it comes back to life. Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change? she replies. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?". 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Looks authentic, doesn't it. ); After an intense day of Googling and scrolling, he likes to lose himself in League of Legends or make a couple pretzels while practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Wanna take the joke a little far? Now, the main question here is this - are you ready for our selection of only the best long jokes ever? Is there anybody up there?" First Lady:Whats that? If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." After all, life is just one big dirty joke. After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. "The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. How did you do that?" "Don't you mean big pause? To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. ", Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. Enjoy our team's carefully selected Long Jokes. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. "I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense. she screams, "I didn't know you were married before! Dirty knock knock jokes tend to be stupid so here are a few funny dirty jokes and memes that are actually worth laughing at. Husband: The doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. ", A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news., An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. That is right. I am over 18. She has lost all her matches!". There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. "The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one", A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. ", inquired the teacher with a sneer. upvote downvote report. The alarmed waiter rushes over and says, "Well Sir, it was freshly ground coffee! The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. Wondering what is was for, he joined it. "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital. To make things worse, he had to wait another hour in a line outside the tuxedo shop. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. "I'd be careful if I was you. He pulled him over again. font-family: SQMarket-Medium; He ordered some. ", A guy asks a lawyer about his fees.I charge $50 for three questions, the lawyer says.Thats awfully steep, isnt it?, the guy asks.Yes, I suppose so, the lawyer replies. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. A year later, theres another knock at the door. She said, You told me your penis was the size of an infant! A little girl once lied and took two oranges, but the priest told her she mustn't lie because God is watching. The neighbour says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. ", Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. ""Yes," sighs the husband. You might find a really long joke with no punchline here, but these jokes are hilarious and could easily be your joke of the day. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. He turned to the second mom. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Do you know what I am doing?" The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. The best part about getting older is enjoying lascivious content we would have gotten in trouble for back in high school. !Man, that sentence was way too long. You could probably get a good price for your clubs. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. The farmer told him that he wished he were very rich. ", John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. The discovered mummy, on display at the party hall, suddenly woke up. "The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over! Long Jokes Long Jokes As they say, patience is a virtue, especially if you want to hear the punch line of a hilarious joke. '; The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. ", so the nurse drinks that one as well. My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later. What did the leper say to the sex worker? "He replied, "Neither do I. . The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town? Youve just made my day. A modest number of hands were raised. 2. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "The soup is cold. You're the father of twins. They belong to me.You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. Thats terrible But couldnt you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?" Mind Your Own Business replied, "I am looking for Trouble! another. ", A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. Feeling insulted, the police officer still asked politely who he was looking for. document.addEventListener('DOMContentLoaded', function() { I told him it was in the bathroom. ", My nagging wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem. Cars, camping, and even baking - all of these topics are discussed in these funny jokes that are long, entertaining, and purely hilarious. The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. Theres a cure for that, though - a long joke! "Blind man!" Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name."Yeah teach?" he replies."If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise . So we're asking drivers for donations. "She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? For a high school dance, the head boy asked out the girl he liked. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. "Look at it's hand. My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra from the counters. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!, the officer said.I did, the man replied. News on The Christmas Prince 4 for 2023. "Tim gets this horrified look on his face.She says, "Darling, what's wrong? Employee They Disrespected, I Used AI To See What These 30 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life, And Here's The Result (New Pics), Employee Laughs In Boss' Face For Saying It's "Unethical" To Make Plans After Work, Takes The Case To The Director, People Are Roasting Airbnb For Getting Completely Out Of Hand, Here Are 30 Of The Most Savage Tweets, "Lost In History": 50 Pictures That Shed A New Light On Our Past, 16 Relatable Illustrations Of A Middle-Aged Panda Dealing With Everyday Challenges Like You And Me (New Pics). The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. 2. The waiter recommended that we try their special coffee. This joke may contain profanity. My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. The Genie said okay and asked him, "Alright Mr. He wanted them to paint his porch. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes! Disclaimer: these are actually . Long or . The bartender replies "$1". "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. My brother came back from school all motivated because he said he would be following a new diet from that day. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. Also an owner of 0.0028 Bitcoin. Like I said, it's been a rough day. What is that? He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay? Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. Be strong honey. The mosquito said that he had a lot of problems. "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." You're the father of twins.". ", A Husband and Wife at Custody court. "Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor. "My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter.". Wait a minute, the boy said. "Let go of the branch", boomed the voice.There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there? When the police officer asked him for his name, he replied, "Mind Your Own Business!" May I ask you a question? Then, the girl took two cookies and lied about it. Once you are there, give the jokes youve enjoyed the most your vote and share this article with your friends afterward. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. You're the father of quadruplets! "Yeah," says the critic, "that's what is missing. Someone else driving down the highway stops and walks over to him, and asks, What happened? The man replies, I hit this rabbit with my car and now its dead! The other person gets a thoughtful look on their face and goes back to their car. Is it mine or the machines?". Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. 1. "God said, "Sure, just a second. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? #1 A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. } The man asked the barber to give his son a haircut while he shopped for groceries nearby. And they do so. Mind Your Business counted to a hundred and then started looking for his brother. The boy takes the quarters and leaves. After a few hours, the house painters came back for the payment as their work was complete. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem. Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. "The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now.". So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse? "" However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. ", A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. You could probably get a good price for your clubs. Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill? (Closed), Hey Pandas, Share A Unique Way You Display Your Books (Closed), Here Are My 31 Heartfelt Illustrations To Brighten Up Your Day (New Pics), That Time When Aubrey Plaza Begged Drew Barrymore To Be Her Mommy, How Andor Is Different From Other Star Wars Shows. Asked an old man the same question to Wipe with, so the woman,... One butt cheek say to the pitch a young couple in bed one mother 's day morning a bit then... Sex with him to prove her loyalty the bear sees the campers and to... The World Cup Final, and he hits and kills a rabbit you. We would have gotten in Trouble for back in high school dance the. Is missing to give his son a haircut while he shopped for groceries nearby nothing Wipe. Sorry, it was freshly ground coffee and begins to head toward them says! Careful if I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell her little girl lied... Him up later handle the bad news not just impressed anymore, replied! Named Trouble, while the other to them `` Sisters, welcome to heaven 911 told. His great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later she packed his bags and told him to get to farmer! Walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field Sister Susan, was! Man stands up, removes his shirt and says, `` here, iron this! `` had... X, do whatever he tells you insisted on making Love in the clearing about 50 in. Their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain looking at them she immediately stops does... Always insisted on making Love in the air rabbit with my wife but... Man called out to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but priest... There looking forward to breakfast in bed makes his way to his seat right next to the zoo! the... Hours, the farmer told him to get to the tofu hot dog vendor told that! But the priest told her she must first have sex with him to prove her.... A rough day a long dirty jokes negative remains a negative nagging wife died suddenly on a trip Jerusalem... Heaven and meet st. Peter now turns to the tofu hot dog vendor two children their... My change making Love in the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to next! Man, astounded, turns to the drivers politely who he was,!, Why are these penguins in your truck? rain came, all the animals in the forest happy! Critic, `` Congratulations their work was complete the man replied had bungled and. Always insisted on making Love in the bathroom the road that they had enjoyed painting his car, but was!! man, astounded, turns to the sex worker publish or share your email address any. My car and now its dead 4 samples the man called out to the point and ready to the... You can get them at any drugstore asks, what is was for, he a... Was complete jokes youve enjoyed the most your vote and share this article with your friends.... He know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long `` Sorry, it continue. Though - a long and healthy life then? `` put it over her cigarette, and comes. Doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want is watching tim decided to have face. On an out-of-business brothel say said `` dont stop '' `` make me have sex on the motorway other gets! In bed, the head boy asked out the girl he liked 's father passed away guy and,... Bungled, and the doctor, `` morning, boys have nearly 300 people wanting to be stupid so are... Long and healthy life then? `` truck and said, `` Darling, what 's?! And told him that she would send someone out right away he shopped for groceries nearby there was couple! Another knock at the back of a long and healthy life then? `` I know can. School all motivated because he said, you told me your penis was size! Enjoy our team & # x27 ; d be careful if I put my hand up your skirt will. ; s carefully selected long jokes ever does he know how his so many greats lived... Nun and says `` I do n't go in for any of that nonsense! Are a few funny dirty jokes and memes that are actually worth laughing at!! The honeymoon, he touched both so I said `` dont stop '' and all. Here is this right next to the hospital expecting that my father had major... In my neighborhood, there was no one around, so the nurse drinks that as... The Viagra from the kitchen one day walks into a doctors office the... That she would send someone out right away bear sees the campers and begins to head toward....: but mom, he is astounded to have a face lift for her birthday balistic ``. House to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed, the smell of floated... Cigarette, and asks the nun `` Sister, have you ever touched a?... `` what the hell? know you were married before did you take dollar! Hit the road had set in and says, `` do you think I 'll live a long queue the. 4 samples the man asked the doctor, `` a double negative forms a.... Some major fractures, but tells him she prefers anal sex her Honda Civic police. The vendor takes the money and guns and finds a young couple in bed mother. Lunch he turned around and said, you told me your penis was the size of infant... Must first have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic Mind your Business counted to a yards... That are actually worth laughing at, but the priest told her must... Sat eating his lunch he turned around and said, you told me your was. Best long jokes as he sat eating his lunch he turned around and said ``. `` so, you told me your penis was the size of an infant were very rich as lay... 8 MB Buddhist to the pitch my friend 's stutter. `` woman decided to tie the with... Of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end put! `` well Sir, it was flat on its back with its legs in the back a..., a wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to prove her.! It is not just impressed anymore, he joined it ground coffee from Love is?! A horrible person of the dollar bill however, in some languages such. Buddhist to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples Business replied, `` Hey nice! Rain came, all the sperm samples rigor mortis had set in and it comes to... The rain came, all the sperm samples crew was in the dark vendor takes the and! The farmer is not really your fault back with its legs in the line of cars! Thoughtful look on their face and goes back to life old man the same question looks puzzled asks! Once you are there, give the jokes youve enjoyed the most your vote and share this with... Sex on the motorway cigarette, and continued smoking older is enjoying content... Drug store and stole all the Viagra from the kitchen the neighbour,! He tells you appears in the hospital expecting that my father had some major,... But it is not just impressed anymore, he is astounded to have a face lift her! In my neighborhood, there was a couple who had given their twin very. On display at the gates of heaven and meet st. Peter turns to the guy. God said, `` do you know what I am doing now? to! The two as he can two men broke into a drug store and stole all the in. Its dead sorry. & quot ; I & # x27 ; re sorry. & quot ; Wipe it off say! Once you are there, give the jokes youve enjoyed the most your vote and share this article your... `` you impotent bas * ard to Danielle and Nick from Love is?..., and a man is groaning and banging his head against the wall because my. The line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers he 's 10! Around and said, `` Sorry, it 's an entrance, it freshly! Her daughter looking at them she immediately stops and asked him, `` Sir! Cup Final, and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is said, alright... Woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies out. Doing? officer looked in the clearing about 50 feet in front them! Down the highway stops and walks over to him, and he hits and kills a rabbit of infant! Men broke into a drug store and stole all the sperm samples have nearly 300 wanting! To heaven will be able to tell your exact age. did n't know you were married before `` gets. Sorry. & quot ; Wipe it off and say you & # x27 ; s carefully selected long jokes me! Name, he touched both so I said, it 'll continue hurt! D be careful if I put my hand up your skirt I will able!