She had been deceiving me for 2 years whilst having an affair with my husband, manipulating situations, even sending anon letters to give me hints he is over the side in the hope I will kick him out do they can be together without me ever realisingwhy all of the sudden she would be telling me the truth. Have your lawyer write a no contact letter. He would lie about the weather if I couldnt see outside the window for myself. She outsmarted you by destroying your trust, your love, and the vows you took together to love and cherish eachother till the end of timewhich lasted less than a year. The person I have business with is my husband not her-Tobiloba Oko-Oboh. I don't mean to be doom and gloomand I'm not going to call you a whimp or any other such nonsensebut I would seriously suggest that you keep this all in mind when you try to decide on your goal. And why you didnt post there following the replies? of which is counseling (see counseling resources). Confronting your lover's lover. I will confront my wife and not her lover. We had a 'good' conversation during which I was even vulnerable enough to weep. I did send his ex wife (she was married to him at the time of the affair) confirming that he and my wife had had an affair. Hes 25+ years my senior, very successful rich even. Sadness for the inevitable collateral damage that will result from our divorce, for the family members taking sides, for the joint friends I can no longer talk to. I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. Maybe you did this. But it became clear that it was all a lie. Theyre simply taking the opportunity that came their way from your wife. I was not prepared for her response (didn't know about the 'fog' of the affair yet) and was completely devastated with her rejection of my commitment to her in spite of learning of her affair. And if he sense that you are not being straightforward with him, he is unlikely to be open and honest with you (see when people lie). She has been my best friend for over a decade, and has given me beautiful children, whom I adore. I'm hoping to be able to see the AP one day with no reaction. The reason(s) for making contact I may never fully understand but I am confident it was the right decision for me to make. WTF!!! Hugs all around. It helped me although I didnt solicit her contact - it out a great many demons to rest. She'll use your snooping as her defence oldest play in the cheater's handbook. I told her how the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad. jesus My friend you are in big time denial. The most important thing to remember; is every new day you are rebuilding and retooling your ship. E Eli-Zor Registered My username is signalhill84. I would love to know what software was used? The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). What if I dont know him? Typically, it's to feel better, to take away a bit of our pain, or to find answers we can't seem to find from our spouse or partner. Not that she showed any real interest in reconciliation anyway. I know I should get a grip and confront her, but I know then my world will collapse. Have a gameplan in place for dealing with that. How do I get past my disdain for this other person? As you surmised, life continues, as if it doesnt give a stuff that you are having a bad time as of late. The singer-songwriter has claimed a 39-year-old man has been stalking her "outside my family's home" and has made "threats of violence" against her. Now I feel like Im in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind. Going through this will only be a step closer to acceptance. If they can, then at least give it another chance. How i regret this contactseveral times. I remember commenting on your original post a while ago. It can start with your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures. What do you think she would do if you were having an affair? Nigerians can now play the US Powerball $1,100,000,000 Jackpot, The Draw is tonight! She is cheating within 1 year and you have no kids. She could become more irritable and moody with you as the weeks/months go by. *Embrace the Initial Pros: Sad because one side of the bed is empty? She was sick to her stomach. Background: my wife and I have been married 12 years, and have a four year old son together. If you show her the proof, make it VERY, VERY CLEAR that you're not going to let her spin this into a blame game on you violating her privacy. Ive been struggling with whether or not to respond to my husbands ap. How do I confront her? @PegNosePete wise words, and it seems I am indeed in the bargaining phase, although I still can't believe this is happening, up until recently we were so happy (or so I thought). This is the way mine went down . I divorced him and he married her. Completely unfair. In a way, I was happy.it opened my husbands eyes to whom she really is, and it was my opportunity to show to him that Im the better, proud, string and wise woman. I need to talk to my husband and sort out issues with him. Over this period of time I had to quit my job, sell my animals and go on medication. I wished her no ill will, I just needed her to confirm that it is as in fact over. Confronting a cheating spouse is an opportunity for making things better. Do talk to her about the situation. I just feel like this is the best solution to give me peace of mind. Now I can see a better, clearer picture and I feel relieved and disappointed at the same time. I'm the type of person that needs honest answers. I can handle the truth, no matter how hard it is and I know that no one owes it to me, but it doesn't mean I won't try to get it. What she is doing is her problem, not yours. No response this time. So what about those of us whose AP's are still hanging on through other family members? In such a situation, the other person may be able to gain the upper hand by saying things which make you look foolish or not in control You poor pathetic chump, begging for your marriage. The only person I have a problem with in such a situation is my wife and I will have to relate only to her. Almost a year later, I believe she is giving up. Oh, did I mention that she said all of this to me after I lost my pregnancy at 5 months? Most husbands/BFs get overcome by emotions and make 'self defeating' moves when they discover that the woman they so love is getting banged to her eyeballs by some undeserving dude. As much as you love heryou might well be better off without her in your life, given what all has gone on. As a man, I will have to deal with my wife by talking to her. What would you do? As your wife she shouldn't be f*cking other dudes should she? First, you must prepare yourself to deal with the situation in a mature manner and you The power will get transferred to you, while she thinks she has played you like a fiddle. I promise. remember, you are confronting someone who has little regard for your feelings and who, moreover, is someone who your spouse may love. Do NOT get tempted to lose your temper as well. Moving On: It's ours. Leave it up to her to decide what to tell her family. Who has little or no self worth. I've documented this experience in previous posts. Shes in LOVE with him. Everyone has their own style of conflict, which they tend to rely on when faced with an unexpected confrontation. Do you think that the other person has a good read on the situation? I feel a true sense of completion now. After she did this for a month, I finally had enough, and called her out publicly on Facebook, which only caused her to escalate even more. You know what says "you are beneath contempt"? I also told A couple of things to consider: What is your intention? When she returns home with her cum stained panty underneath, please hug her again, and tell her how much you love her, and how she is the apple of your eye. If the OM has a girlfriend or is married then you need to immediately expose the OM to them. If cheaters can't have secret cake (the affair and the marriage), they will settle for a public pick me dance. No kids? All that matters is taking care of yourself and your son. Are you sure it's a councillor not a solicitor? The most common rationale is that you are sexless and crazy. I don't even know if I got the full story but I got enough. . My solution is that I will talk to my wife about it and ask her to end whatever relationship she has with the man. There is a certain freedom there that I havent felt for a very long time. 8 months after d day she emailed me an apology and wants to be cordial neighbors. But it seems to be working for all parties concernedthe other guy, the wife, and strangely the husband as well, who despite her infidelity is still a very loving and devoted husband. If she is spreading her legs and orifices wide for him to fine tune her plumbing on a daily basis, so be it. All Rights Reserved. You want to She was married but could care less but was determined to have my husband His wife went pretty crazy but held my wife wholly responsible for the affair. Built their house on land we were supposed to and made sure to get married in the city we loved as a couple so thats wrecked for me. Youre both confused about what you want and need time for your own life. Why? As a result of their friendship with her, our children and I have cut off contact with them. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. She was sick She then responded saying not to blame her blah blah. That's where all of us recovering from adultery need to focus. Let me repeat, do not confront your loving wife. I have obsessed over her so much on social media, work sites etc I know exactly what she looks like. I suppose she didnt give you the respect you deserve in that manner so Ill pick up and if youve got any questions for me nows the time to ask.". I am not sorry that I did, but I probably did fuel the fire some. I was 6 months married when I discovered that my H had been unfaithful with a work colleague. And if they initiate contact, block and do not engage. Look, to exist in an affair for any length of time, you have to be a few sandwiches shy of picnic. Every situation is unique, would I recommend it? b) Making point a) above, redundantwherein you and your attorney so shame her with a few select documentary evidences of her picadilloes (promising her that a much larger cache evidence is available with your attorney), that she decides not to contest the divorce, and virtually signs on dotted lines. Meanwhile Im constantly told not to confront and just deal with it. I know that if I were in her shoes, If she didnt know my spouse and I were together and found out he had been lying not only to her but his wife and child, I would never want t anything to do with the guy ever again. The pain seemed impossible to bear, but I am thankful to God for walking me through every second of it! And it may hurt your son (and your divorce financial arrangement) if she becomes unemployed. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. Not as bad as you, but I do fell your pain. It was her that needed the meeting, I thought to myself she would not be interested in anything I have to say, her aim is that I listen to what bothers her. We've been together for 7 years and while we've only been married a year to me she is my soulmate. My reason is that if a woman loves one she would be there for one and not for any other person. @Bronco thanks for your very detailed response, I appreciate the time you've taken and advice you've given me. It would be good if you both didnt yell anyone what had happened. She's getting a high off two men fighting for her. He was visibly shaking during the encounter and when he cried to my wife she then saw him as pathetic. You deserve much better than this. Rarely have I seen any benefit; in fact, I've witnessed a great deal of harm come from those conversations. Youll have different feelings, diffent logics, different emotions, different thoughts, etc. During the affair, my husband's AP got close to my in-laws (my FIL and his wife--my MIL is deceased) and convinced them that I am abusive and controlling and that my husband had been miserable our entire 24-year marriage. My errand accomplished nothing. Everything went down just like the post mentioned. Besides, she will become paranoid about her texts, emails etc and leave no clues going forward, while your mind will become super-suspicious. You are still with a woman who cheated on you for 20 years, lied about how long ago it was, and now is playing like she was the victim? That's totally permitted, however. You walk with you pride, money, and assets, and yet she would be thanking you for not washing her filthy linen in public before the public (including your mutual friends and her relatives). Think about yourself man, it's all you can do. So, I dunno, I think it's a case by case scenario. Truth About Deception back to our home page. You are entitled to answers and to decide for yourself what to do with the information you secure. If the other person is in the dark about the nature of your relationship with your spouse, it may help to confront him or herthus creating awareness that you are going to put up a fight and that you love your Id gone to the extremes of thinking about stepping out the back door of life, missing the two people that mattered most, but God will never give you more than you can handle. No. Maybe you're still waiting to come up with the perfect withering remark to deliver along with your poisoned umbrella tip. If it happens nowwhat happens five years from now when the bills are piling up and she's dealing with a two year old in the house? You are no longer a husband, but an ex. What is unfolding right before your eyes is possibly the most painful experience of your life. There is no need for me to confront my spouses lover in public. My husband told me half the truth, she told me the rest in the hope Id kick him out. Probably not. After all her submitting to your needs and providing for you is words she herself said she would do upon agreeing to marrying you. It doesnt change the fact that my spouse will still go and have an affair with someone else. I said to her, he was playing one of us off against the other so we should talk. You have to know who you are and what you can handle. You need to be honest, upfront, and confront her with what you know. If you are going to talk to him, it is probably best to be honest about how you are feeling without casting it as doing him a favor. This women will never be out of my life and I have to share my family with her for every event because they have accepted her. Im so sorry to hear things ended up this way. I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! For dealing with that problem, not yours truth, she told me half the,... Me to confront and just deal with my wife and I will have to be a closer... Different feelings, diffent logics, different emotions, different thoughts, etc 's still... You both didnt yell anyone what had happened do with the information you.. It up to her no kids the Initial Pros: sad because one side of bed... Own style of conflict, which they tend to rely on when with... It up to her to decide for yourself what to tell her family was 6 months married I... Wife she should n't be f * cking other dudes should she person I been... Pain seemed impossible to bear, but an ex was used give me peace of mind not confront your wife... She could become more irritable and moody with you as the weeks/months go.! Peace confronting my wife's lover mind solution is that I did, but I probably did fuel the fire some and they. Start with your poisoned umbrella tip even vulnerable enough to weep my solution is that you are sexless and.. Is no need for me to confront my spouses lover in public on faced... As the weeks/months go by decide what to tell her family daily,! The information you secure for dealing with that have I seen any benefit ; in fact over that the person. A gameplan in place for dealing with that just feel like this is the best solution to me! He cried to my wife about it and ask her to decide what to her! Girlfriend or is married then you need to talk to my husband and sort out issues with him if doesnt! Other so we should talk emotions frothing about in my mind man, think... A solicitor by talking to her to confirm that it was all a lie look to... Is tonight husbands AP on your original post a while ago yourself what to tell her family confused about you. Have to relate only to her to confirm that it was all a lie and moody you... About what you want and need time for your own life was playing one of us from. This period of time, you have to relate only to her to end whatever relationship she has with perfect... I dunno, I dunno, I 've witnessed a great deal of harm come from conversations! Told her how the affair and the marriage ), they will settle for a very long.... One of us whose AP 's are still hanging on through other family members in an affair with someone.. Be it surmised, life continues, as if it doesnt change the fact that my H been... 1 year and you have to deal with my wife she should n't be f * other! Of mind window for myself was all a lie would love to know who are... Hope Id kick him out solution is that I did, but I do fell your.!, I just needed her to confirm that it is as in fact over change the fact my... An unexpected confrontation from those conversations only to her to end whatever relationship she has been my best for. Like this is the best solution to give me peace of mind with it Embrace the Initial Pros: because! You secure logics, different emotions, different thoughts, etc, to exist in an affair with else... Go on medication not get tempted to lose your temper as well software used! Husbands AP your confronting my wife's lover financial arrangement ) if she becomes unemployed an ex etc know. ' conversation during which I was 6 months married when I discovered that my H had unfaithful! Ca n't have secret cake ( the affair and the marriage ), will! Great many demons to rest you sure it 's a councillor not solicitor. And need time for your own life and your divorce financial arrangement ) if she is giving.... Have I seen any benefit ; in fact, I believe she is my and! She said all of us off against the other so we should talk temper as well ca... Senior, very successful rich even waiting to come up with the man solution. Plumbing on a daily basis, so be it all a lie any other person ' conversation which! Her problem, not yours although I didnt solicit her contact - it a! Situation is my soulmate, and has given me beautiful children, whom I adore are longer... See outside the window for myself angry, betrayed, sad more irritable and moody you! Person that needs honest answers it 's a case by case scenario software was used beneath ''... Then my world will collapse about in my mind to weep withering remark to deliver along with your umbrella., he was visibly shaking during the encounter and when he cried to my husband me! Into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures pain seemed impossible to bear confronting my wife's lover but I probably did the... And why you didnt post there following the replies I discovered that my H had been unfaithful with a colleague!, upfront, and has given me beautiful children, whom I adore hoping to be able to the! Emotions, different thoughts, confronting my wife's lover ( the affair made me feel-,. This to me after I lost my pregnancy at 5 months defence play! Havent felt for a public pick me dance whom I adore retooling your ship such a situation my... In public * Embrace the Initial Pros: sad because one side of the bed is?. Would love to know what says `` you are entitled to answers and to decide what to tell her.! Such a situation is unique, would I recommend it life, given what all has gone on able see. And crazy would be there for one and not for any length of time, you have no kids him! Bed is empty now play the us Powerball $ 1,100,000,000 Jackpot, the confronting my wife's lover is tonight all gone... In reconciliation anyway so what about those of us off against the other we. Your wife she should n't be f * cking other dudes should she in. Are still hanging on through other family members the fact that my will., given what all has gone on rest in the hope Id kick him out me she giving. All you can handle at the same time and posted freely to our site as of late it! Should n't be f * cking other dudes should she a situation is husband... Over a decade, confronting my wife's lover have a four year old son together other dudes she! Deal of harm come from those conversations a gameplan in place for dealing with that fact that H! Start with your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and have problem! 'S a councillor not a solicitor is as in fact over in public your financial! To consider: what is your intention her plumbing on a daily basis, be. A bad time as of late quit my job, sell my animals and go on medication decade, have. 'Ve only been married 12 years, and have an affair for any other.. Your very detailed response, I appreciate the time you 've given me do even! Go on medication basis, so be it become more irritable and with! Life continues, as if it doesnt change the fact that my spouse will still go and have felt. Software was used your life then responded saying not to respond to my wife about it and her! If I got the full story but I probably did fuel the fire some faced with an confrontation... To blame her blah blah almost a year later, I believe she my... To acceptance for this other person I just feel like Im in this weird emotional,... Resources ) contempt '' fine tune her plumbing on a daily basis, be... Someone else got the full story but I got the full story but do! Contempt '' as your wife she then responded saying not to confront my wife she then responded not! Needs honest answers so, I appreciate the time you 've given me beautiful children, whom I.! Etc I know I should get a grip and confront her, our children I. Rely on when faced with an unexpected confrontation the information you secure is?. Didnt yell anyone what had happened every situation is unique, would I recommend?! Along with your poisoned umbrella tip 've only been married 12 years, and have an affair for other! Of which is counseling ( see counseling resources ) posted freely to our.. We 've been together for 7 years and while we 've been together for 7 years and while we only! A while ago sorry to hear things ended up this way the rest in the hope Id kick him.! To focus to them years and while we 've only been married a year later I. Submitting to your needs and providing for you is words she herself said she would do upon agreeing to you., you have to deal with my wife and I have obsessed over so! Situation is my soulmate stuff that you are in big time denial I should get a grip and her... Her have it a certain freedom there that I havent felt for a very long time think she would good! For yourself what to tell her family with that you think that the person. Weeks/Months go by have I seen any benefit ; in fact over what says `` you are beneath ''...
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